It has been a while since I have felt something this heavy. I haven’t been on a depressing low like this in a long while. It usually starts with a small awkward feeling. A couple of circumstances and a couple of days or months later, boom! It just hits. I start eating less, getting hungry less. I space out more often. I procrastinate on my duties and responsibilities. I lose interest in anything I used to like doing and I just sit at home or lie down in bed and do nothing.
I should have just talked about it to my ‘spirit bros’ , but I don’t really want to add any more burden to what they have. We are all going through a lot… And I figured I needed to be the one who’s standing so that I could at least help them up. But things have come to this point. Maybe by writing this, I would just forget about it eventually. Or maybe by the time I finish writing, things would be better. It’s quite strange to me that I can’t really think of anything specific that’s keeping me this sad. All I know is that I am not happy and that I cry for no apparent reason. But when I think about it, I can only really name a few reasons dating back to childhood.
I guess that takes me back to point A to B.
Growing up as a kid, I’ve always felt this sense of detachment from my family. I don’t know why, but I felt somewhat alienated from them ever since they separated. Even then I felt depressed for most of the time, and I kept filling that alienation and emptiness with a lot of other things and people. I indulged myself in escapist gaming. I have been gaming all my life. From the old Atari to the family computer to Sega to PS1 to PS2 to PSP to PC’s and now to PS3. And I indulged myself with people. Girlfriends to be exact. But that’s not to say that I have had a million girlfriends. What I’m trying to say is that I kept filling that emptiness with whatever relationship I was in. I would say that I’m a pretty dedicated guy and that I have had only 3 upto this point. (And I am sorry for counting.) But all the while that emptiness was never filled and it only complicated my life even more…
My family affairs wasn’t always like this. I remember when my brother and I were younger we used to play together a lot, my sisters were still babies. My mom and dad were still together. I never really appreciated that until it was all gone. After my parents separated, my mom had to work more, dad wasn’t home anymore, I became rebellious and passive-aggressive, and the distance between me and my siblings have become too much.
All throughout high school and college, I tried escaping the realities of my family. And I have been a terrible ‘Kuya’ to my siblings… No one was there for me during my youthful days. Not mom and not dad. I don’t have a kuya or an ate. But that doesn’t mean that my siblings deserved the same. How I wish that I could still be a Kuya to them. If my parents can’t be there for them, then I had to be that person. But I wasn’t that person… I was lost too.
I am still lost too.
Up till now, seeing other families happy and blessed together make my heart ache with the pains of my childhood. And how I hope and pray that someday I can smile with the same smile from years back when I was still the kid who liked going outside and have spider fights against my brother, that kid who carried his little sister around and made fun of her, the kid who hugs his mom and looked up to his dad.
If only it was that simple God, I would’ve fixed this 10 years ago…