It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? It’s fair to say that I miss you already. I can still remember a lot of things from before. Memories of pancit canton and instant spagetti at your dorm. Our evening dinner together. Our late night walks in the park. Holding your hand, not knowing what to say. Hanging out, and spending enormous time together. Those sort of things. I miss it already.
I can still remember the tone of your voice when you’re slightly irritated. The way you pout your lips when you want things or if I happened to do something you didn’t like. Not to mention the scary look you have when you’re mad at me.
What about the other things? Like the way you would take care of me, as if I’m a little kid. Feeding me one spoonful at a time. I should be embarrassed but I’m not. I liked that you loved me so much to take care of me that way. I miss how you’d dance around when you’re happy. How bubbly and hyper you are. What about when you’re sad? How you’d sulk about your insecurities. I would try to cheer you up. Most of the time, fail at it anyway and we’d end up fighting.
I miss even the times when we’re not okay. Even when hurtful words are being thrown around like grenades in a war zone. But even so, mostly, I miss hearing three words from you.
I miss feeling that fluffy, bubbly high of being madly in love with that special girl. How I miss waiting for you outside of your classroom, and seeing you come out with a big smile on your face. Then you’d come after me for a hug. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes I’d just give you a friendly pat in the back. And maybe hold your hand when you’re not feeling so apprehensive about being so close in public.
I can go on and on…
You would probably interrupt me and say,
“It’s your decision anyway. Why are you telling me this now?”
And you’re probably right. It is my fault.
Have you ever felt displeased about life? Dissatisfied with the current state of whatever? Have you ever felt empty, even when we were together? Have you ever thought to yourself, ‘There’s got to be more’? As things get more complicated, I became more aware of that dissatisfaction. I knew something was missing from “all of this”. And I guess (at the risk of sounding cheesy), it was God. We needed Him. I did not notice it before, but my spirit was already hungry for God.
I wanted you to come with me on that journey, but I was also willing to lose you if you didn’t. I sounded crazy didn’t I? I don’t think I made sense that day either. I’m pretty sure I’ve also said some hurtful things. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry I ever hurt you. I’m sorry that I put you down, when I should have pulled you back up. We were both in the bottom of a really deep well. And while I was busy looking up at the light, I forgot that you were there with me. I’m sorry…
Now we both know it’s over. We both know it’s not the right time now. We both know that we have much to learn. We both know that we need to grow with God some more.
I do not regret anything. We broke up for a reason. It wasn’t really a bad break up, it wasn’t good either. But I want you to know that I still love you, but not as much as I love God. To be honest, I don’t think I will love you as much as I used too, because that kind of love is meant for God. Our God is a jealous God, isn’t He? 🙂 He had to step in in a lot of different ways. It was only just recently that I begin to appreciate all of that. This is all part of His plan. I’m sure this is for the good of both of us.
Rather than hurt each other and become a hindrance to each other, I hope and pray that we both grow in faith by this. I’m very blessed that you understood me, and believe me when I say that I am working on some issues I still have in my heart as well. I’m so blessed to have someone like you in my life. I’m so blessed that you are growing in God even in this circumstance.
So now we walk separately, though not necessarily separate paths. (We’re both headed the same way, walking with God by our side.) Maybe you walk a little faster, I walk a little slower. Maybe I stumble a bit somewhere along the way. Maybe you’d race past me. Maybe I’ll catch up, maybe not. Maybe you’ll stumble somewhere along the way as well. All the way from the back, I’d see Jesus picking you up to carry you on His back for a while. Maybe He would hold me by the hand as well. Maybe somewhere along the way, Jesus will hold both of us by the hand, and We’ll all walk together. Who knows, right? 🙂
Only God knows.
Father, please keep this woman of Faith safe in Your arms. Let her continue to be hungry for You! Let her spirit dwell in Your Amazing Presence! You are all she needs, God! Convict her to do Your works, oh God. Let her eyes not be taken off You, Father. Let her heart, and her spirit chase You, in a relentless pursuit for Your Face. Let her find solace in You alone. And let it be her heart’s desire to know You! Father, You love this woman, Your daughter. And I know You love her more than I could ever love her, or any earthly man could ever love her! My God, I come before you to ask all of this. Thank you, and I love you! Amen.
The man who’s blessed enough to have met you in his lifetime