Last youth meeting with the boys, I realized something very important.
Honestly, I was not prepared to teach that night. Instead, I shared something that was in my heart for quite some time, ever since talking to Kuya Mike last week. It was a short activity, which is, in a way, my little way of opening my heart to them. We wrote in little index cards, two columns. Our strengths, and our weaknesses. On the other side of the card, other people had a chance to write down what they thought our strengths and weaknesses are.
I knew my strengths, and my weaknesses.
Inside the card I wrote…
- easily distracted
- sometimes proud
- easily discouraged
So we passed it around the group. There was Lean, Josh, Matthew, Christian, and Owen that night.
Among the strengths they wrote for me were:
- Very nice and caring about his “kiddies”
- committed fully in Christ
- does not have a doubt as to his context to Christ and the youth
To be honest, I smiled inside. At least, they knew I cared about them so much even when I could hardly express myself.
Among the weaknesses:
- being expressive
- quiet, sometimes hard to hear
- expressing his faith
- distractions: PC Gaming
- sometimes lacking focus
It was very evident at that time, what I needed to change, or rather what was lacking in me. Among the ones written, what struck me was leadership and lacking focus.
Ever since the youth camp, people have been looking at me as a leader. Unfortunately, I don’t have leadership qualities. I was never a leader back when I was a student, nor in any other phase in life. I was usually just a follower. I never liked responsibility, and didn’t know what to do.
Such was the case, when God has placed me into this situation. I was willing, but I was not prepared.
Funny, I was listening to Francis Chan yesterday. In the talk about what it means to be a disciple, he briefly mentioned a scenario he had encountered. He was a freshman just starting out, then suddenly his youth pastor set him in charge of a couple of 14-year-olds. IN his mind he thought, “What am I supposed to do? How am I going to lead these kids?”
It was as if he was speaking for me. What was I supposed to do? How am I going to lead these kids?
I didn’t know anything about teaching, or about being a leader. All I knew was that God loved us so much! That even when we were still sinners, He picked us out and said, “Ah yes, Mico is my son. I’m going to adopt him into sonship.” Yes… I was a sinner, an atheist, and I resented Him. But He loved me, so much so that He didn’t want me to stay the way I am. He wanted to draw me into His presence. But I couldn’t do it alone. Jesus Christ, stepped in for me to pay for my sins first. He took the blame for all that I have done in the past, present, and future.
All I had going for me was my passion for the pursuit of God. I wasn’t a leader, but God was calling me to be one. The moment I stepped up, at the back of my mind, I was thinking… “What am I doing? I can’t do this…” but at the same time, I knew in my heart that if I didn’t do it, who would?
So that desire grew in me. The more I stepped into it, the more I realize how insufficient I am (on my own strength). I was trying to do it on my own… but there were already people who were willing to stand by me– Lean, Josh, TR. I thought that I had to carry the Youth’s burden, but these people had the same heart as I did. We all wanted to better our kiddies. In my moments of weakness the past months, I’ve come to rely on them. For that, I am thankful… that I have someone I can lean on to. But to be honest, I’m still burnt out because I have forgotten the most important thing…
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Revelations 2:4
This verse popped up in my heart as I was praying last night. I had forgotten my first love. Jesus Christ.
It’s become about “what can I teach them?” instead of “what can I learn from You”… It’s become about what more can I do for You, instead of I want to know You more…
Forgive me Father, that I have put my desire to father others above my desire to know you more. Focus me back into the path you’ve planned for me. Relight my desire to know you more, as if it was the very first time. Fan the flames of my heart that I may be once again, burning for You, Your presence, and Your word. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus Name… Amen.
PS: During the activity, I asked them to write what their vision of themselves are for this year, things they want to accomplish in their faith. I wrote: I desire to relight my passion for God and His word, as if it was the first time.