It’s been some time now that I wanted to write again, but I never got around to figuring out how to put it into words. There’s so much that God has been teaching me, so much that I can’t quite express. For a while now, I thought my voice has been taken away. My public failure silenced me, that I no longer wanted to write, or even speak about what Jesus has done. How can I right? How can someone who professes to love Christ fall so far? For some time I felt shame, embarrassment, and guilt. I deserved all of this, so I punished myself. So in my heart I thought, there was nothing that I could say or write that can ever redeem my failure. In some way, that was right… There was nothing I could ever do because Jesus already did that for me.
It’s not about you.
It’s not about what you do.
It’s not about what you can’t do.
This has been an echoing phrase throughout our discipleship meetings. It’s not about me, not about what I can or can’t do.
You see even through my Christian life, I carried over my constant ‘need’ to do something. I always thought I should be doing something, anything… otherwise I felt that I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to. That in itself wasn’t a bad thing. Because God calls all of us to show our faith through our works. To be doers of the Word, and not just hearers. After all, faith without works is dead, right? (James 1&2)
When I was new, I was so passionate about God that I wanted to do it all. Put me anywhere, I’ll do it. I involved myself with as many different ministries. I took up the Sound Techs, during the time when there was a need. Raised up to the occasion when there was a need in the Youth. And eventually, the worship team. Being involved in all of this wasn’t bad by itself. In fact, they were all good things.
To me, however, that became a major pitfall. I loved doing something so much that I was motivated more by what good things I was doing than by who I was doing it for. God sees the heart, and He saw through me. In a matter of time, it became less and less about God and more about what I can do for Him. He knew where this was leading me, and it did lead me there. I eventually burnt myself out and became an easy target for the enemy. I lost passion communing with Jesus and became more interested in doing things for Him. I became more like Martha, more concerned with doing things than just resting at Jesus’ feet like Mary. My spiritual weakness became apparent, and my sin became a public spectacle of a classic ‘this is what should be avoided’.
Through all of this, God still shows Himself a loving God. He redeems me through my shortcomings. God already loved me, even before I started to do anything. He loved me so much that He called me towards Him. God took everything that distracted me from seeking Him first. I found myself in a place where there was absolutely nothing I could do, for Him to be able to show me who He is. He is the one who moves mountains, not me. He took away all the doing so that I could just sit in His lap and be His son.
It’s not about you, and what you can do.
It’s all about God, and what He can do.
That’s all that the Father really wants… for His sons and daughters to cry out “Abba Father.” All He really wanted from me was to stop all the doing and just relax. To move my restless heart and place it in His hands. The more that I just soak myself in His Rest, the more that His peace fills me. The less I strive, the more that He is able to work in me, and through me.
My life verse has always been Matthew 6:33
Seek first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness, and all else will be given to you.
Now, everything makes more sense.
That seeking Him wasn’t really that I was striving to find Him, but simply that I look in the direction where He was already waiting.